Let's be kind to each other shall we?

I start this blog with a knot in my stomach - you know, the kind you get when things are on your mind, when you know all's not right but you're not quite sure or in the position to change them. When you're watching people you care about going through difficult times but there's nothing you can do but be there or when you're life is not taking the track you'd hoped it would.

We've all been there - that knotted, heavy hearted feeling, a bit like indigestion that even Rennie's will not shift.......

Life gives us times like this - we've all ridden a few storms - it's coming out the other end that's important. And it's knowing that you will that keeps you going.

But there are also times when we really can't see the wood for the trees - when the knot becomes a vice around our insides that you wonder if it will ever ease?

I've seen the darkness of depression and lived with it for a while - a year after being diagnosed I fell apart. A difficult and painful bone marrow biopsy, worrying about the girls, a difficult day in the office - it all suddenly became just too much - the shoulders too heavy to cope with the load anymore.

It's funny, I don't think I'd ever really thought about what depression would look like but for me it came in a wave of tears, hundreds, thousands of tears and the need to dive under the duvet and just stay there and cry, not knowing whether it was night or day and no longer caring either.

It was an incredible overwhelmingly numb feeling and knowing that everything going on around me was just too much - more than I could cope with - so I stopped coping. It also came as fear, fear of seeing people, fear of being in the outside world and a feeling that I had been bashed and bruised one too many times.

Of course, you can't stay like that forever, so I ventured out from the duvet and off to see the doctor who diagnosed depression and prescribed anti-depressents. That in itself was a momentous moment - something you never think you'll see, especially when you are someone who you believe is a bit of a sponge and can cope with life's trials and someone who is a glass half full kind of person rather than empty. I think of myself as an eternal optimist, but the optimism had been knocked out of me..........

I had an overwhelming question hanging over me..........so, you coped with your mother's death at an early age, you survived a particularly nasty divorce, you survived leukaemia and achieved remission - but the question I was struggling with was: 'Is this it?' Is this really what I went through all that for? Is this crap really worth all that?

My consultant was surprised, he said most people break when diagnosed but you left it a year..... you're in remission, you should be happy. I know where he was coming from but when diagnosed I had things to do, purpose, a reason to keep going so that I could get into remission - it was the getting there and finding that actually, life was still the same struggle, still the same stresses and people still treated you like crap at times that did it for me.

I'm also a stubborn, indpendent bugger so although I accepted the need for anti-depressents I was determined they would be a short-term solution.  I have to say that, for me, they did work - three months on and I was driving to work and caught myself singing to the radio and I realised that yes, life was still crap at times, but I was stronger and I could cope, so I weaned myself off the anti-depressents and got on with life.

Have I been depressed since? Well, yes, but not in the same overwhelming, totally consuming, can't cope anymore way. Was I depressed when I started this blog over a year ago? Well, probably more so than I would care to admit, probably nearer the darkness than I had been since before. Has blogging helped? Yes, that and changing my life so that I am happier with it. Though this kind of from the heart blog is a weirdly personal way of laying yourself bare.......

So why the knot know? Well, whilst I'm taking my life in a different direction, it's taking time and there's still a way to go yet and that means I'm having to utilise this thing called patience......not something I'm always very good at! I'm also looking for honesty, and am not sure I'm always getting that.....

I guess I'm also feeling other people's crap - leukaemia is far from being the only trial that people face in this life and right now I have friends/family going through difficult times, which you wish you could fix, but you can't.

One thing I've tried to do in this life is learn, and I've learnt that it's important to accept people for who they are and also to be kind to each other. Life seriously deals a lot of shit we have absolutely no control over, but we can control how we are to other people, and we should.

We should also learn to be honest with ourselves and then with others, even if we know that honesty will hurt - don't be cruel in that honesty, think always about the other person's feelings, but don't let the fear of hurting someone stop you from being honest - because honestly, deep down inside, they know........

I know it's a cliche but it's a good one - do one good thing each day people, don't make judgements about others when you don't know the whole story and please, please, please, let's just be kind to each other shall we?

Growing a voice......

It was at about age 14 that I started to lose my voice, not literally of course, but the voice that felt confident enough to have an opinion, let alone believe that anyone else would want to hear it.

One of the beauties (yes I did associate that word with leukaemia) of having a life-threatening illness is that you can lose the inhibition that growing up in the real world gives you. You gain a 'what have I got to lose' approach to life.

With that comes the courage to actually go for things I would once never have thought of doing, to say things I would never have said and to have opinions and learn to vocalise them. Many people lack confidence, I've found it's often the ones who seem most gregarious that are actually some of the least confident people underneath.

I get cross at the cruelty of other people that cause others to lose confidence with the words that they say, sometimes deliberately, sometimes to be fair, without thinking, I don't imagine I have been totally innocent of that. I wish that I could inject confidence into people so that the normality of life didn't have to effect them and bring them down, but I've learnt, from experience that has to come from within....

So now I have a voice, and what's more I can feel the passion inside again that is needed to have an opinion and voice it - and strangely, twitter has been a vessel to help me develop that further, to voice what I feel.

So let's talk about equality........I absolutely, totally, completely believe in equality. I was born equal to every other man and woman, colour, crede, ability, faith. I may not always understand, but yes, I do mean equal.

Yes, I'm a feminist, and no that's not a contradiction. Two of my best-loved books were written by Germaine Greer, a third is Bitch by Elizabeth Wurtzel.....feminist lit at its best. But I guess it's the perception of the reader cos I don't seem them as male-hating, bra burning zealots. In fact quite the opposite, in my reading of them they advocate equality, not superiority.

But I don't think equality means that we have to lose respect for each other, or lose the ability to care enough to be kind to one another. I'd happily hold the door open for a man and I don't think he's insulting my independence by doing the same for me, all I would like in return is a thank-you and I would most happily greet a door being held open for me with a smile and a thanks - it's about respect!

I love the people on twitter who advocate doing something kind every day - let's all just do that.

I fail to understand why some people think that they are better than another, why they think they have the right to hate someone else. That is why tonight I will be kitting myself up with a candle and spending the evening with Norwich Pride at a candlelit vigil against hate crime, because it's time to have a voice and it's time to make it heard........

Call me a lily-livered liberal or a lentil eating veggie if you like, feel free - because this girl has finally learnt to have the confidence to be comfortable with the labels you choose to throw at me :-) 

Here we are again.......

So, this blogging thing, haven't done that for a while.........

Since I last blogged back in May such a lot has happened in my life, I've moved house, bought a newer car (almost), gained new friends, spent more time with my daughters, worked out what a social life is and moved so much closer to being me again!

All of these things have been positive, have seen a massive change in the person I am inside, I'm still not 'fixed', whole, complete, I'm not sure if I ever will be, does anyone ever really feel like that?!..... But I am now in much better place and for the first time in years I feel like I know who me is again.

I've learnt some lessons from all of this - never again will I live in a new house, for only an older property with character can stir my soul and be a true home. I say this, despite the fact there are currently three adults cramped into a two-bedroom terrace and my dining room is doing a great impression of a student digs......I care not, I'm happy.

I've also learnt the true value of good friends - I had a great friendship circle many years ago when I lived in Hornsea but I moved away from them, I don't regret the move, it was something I had to do. And those friends, though I see much less of them, will always be important to me. But what I never developed was a friendship circle in Norfolk, people I could laugh with, share problems with, just 'be' with - so the move has meant that I can now develop that and I have and undoubtedly this has helped put me in a better place.  Who knew how healing a girls night out drinking cocktails and talking waxing could be?!!!

So, it's with this new-found happiness and one-ness with myself (yes, yes, aged hippy really!) that I decided perhaps, tentatively, I was ready to think about dating again................

So what does every sensible 45-year-old woman considering a bit of romance do? Well, I joined an on-line dating site....

It's not the first time I've used one, I had a great two-year relationship thanks to one, so I thought, why not? I'll join up and just explore what's out there.

Well, I have to say I don't remember it being such a laugh before - I've had the ' did it hurt when you fell from heaven chatline' - no, but it hurt when I couldn't stop laughing.....I'm normally more associated with hell in the dating world!!

'Notbig' keeps trying to flirt with me.......with all due respect perhaps a different name would have yielded more success? 'Bikerboy' stood more of a chance (especially if the bike turned out to be a harley and not a 50cc scooter) but 'Smutt' really was going nowhere.......

Perhaps I'm too old and cynical but another thing I've learnt - online dating just isn't for me, if only cos being a true Scot I absolutely refuse to pay for it so I can't actually 'connect' with anyone, yet despite this, in a manner similar to an credit rating agency, the pointer on my popularity rating is moving up and I am now officially 'popular' - let's not speculate what my rating could be if I could actually talk to anyone........

So, whilst I guess I'm declaring myself 'open for business' (or probably more 'less likely to recoil from the thought of being with a member of the opposite sex' - you may laugh but that is how I felt until very recently) I've decided that you can't force these things and that perhaps the best way is to go 'au naturelle' - no Smutty, not that........perhaps it's best to just leave these things to chance and see what happens.........

So- anyone out there know how to unsubscribe from a dating website?!!!!!

Wouldn't it be good.......

At the end of a topsy turvey week the need to blog is upon me again, and this time the subject line comes from a friend who took me back to my teenage years at the start of the week with a reminder of Nik Kershaw's song from the 80s - Wouldn't it be good.

For those of you who are far too young to remember Nik Kershaw and even the 80s let me pull out some of the poignant lines for me:

"It's getting harder just keeping life and soul together, I'm sick of fighting even though I know I should.......
Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes even if it's just for one day
Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away
Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care......."

So, as you can see, this is going to be a happy blog post!!

I guess for me it reminds me that life is a struggle at times, and I guess that even the younger ones of you reading this will already have worked that bit out or seen glimpses of it. That's one of the many joys, or not, of growing up.

In the 80s when I first heard this song it didn't resonate nearly much as it does now, I had no idea of the struggles to come, I had no idea of how hard it would be at times just to keep life and soul together and I certainly hadn't felt sick of fighting.......

Well now, at the ripe old age of 45 I can certainly say that I've experienced struggles a plenty. But here's the thing.......I've had moments of being sick of fighting, and moments when I've questioned what the hell this is all about - I don't imagine there are many of you out there who haven't at times felt the same way. But, despite the struggles, the fights, I'm still very, incredibly, bloody glad to still be here........whingeing, blogging, struggling on........

In the middle of this work-challenging week someone asked me if I was going to apply for my boss' job as Director and seemed genuinely shocked when I said no, absolutely not. And that has been my stance from day one of knowing that she would be leaving, absolutely not.......

Now, for someone who has sometimes been accussed of being a workaholic and far too focussed on work it may seem strange that I'm really not interested in persuing my career even further when the opportunity has arisen.

But, I'm not, and I guess that it's because I no longer feel the need to push myself, prove myself, act like someone who isn't dying of leukaemia.......

It's not that I've managed to find peace yet, or learnt to be truly happy with my life, though I do think I'm on the right track. But it is an acceptance that perhaps I've buried my head in my committment to my work enough, that perhaps it's time to stop avoiding the real issues in life by being a workaholic.

Perhaps I'm aiming for the line in Nik Kershaw's song: "Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care....."

The person I was when I left school, when I got married at 20, is not the person that I am now. All I wanted then was to be married, have children, live in a house with roses around the door and, I guess, live without a care........ but life didn't deliver that surprisingly, and through that I have changed.

But, as a woman who after 15 years of divorce finally gave her wedding dress away this weekend, perhaps inside I haven't really changed or moved that far from the person I was then.

Perhaps, to find peace and be happy (or at least happier), I need to get back in touch with the person that I was. I surprised my oldest daughter this week when I told her that when I move I intend to make all my own curtains.......but that is the person that I used to be. It's those simple creative tasks that I love, that help me feel like me, that give me pleasure.

I want to create a home that has soul, I want to create a haven that my daughters can return to when life's struggles begin to touch them, I want a home where friends can drop in and just be....

I guess, what I really want, is a life less complicated..........and, naievly or not, I'm still hoping for some roses around the door........

Committment phobe?...........or just a woman determined to get it right?

I don't know about you, but some of the more interesting and revealling conversations my family have are usually conducted in the car, driving to or from somewhere....

Some have shocked me (thanks girls for that, I am driving you know!!) but largely I have surprised my daughters. One such conversation took place yesterday, on the way back from indulging in chips in Wells (a favourite past time).

It had never occurred to me that my daughters see me as a committment-phobe, in fact more than that, they see me as a woman who actively never wanted to be married again. It's amazing sometimes the difference between how you perceive yourself and how others see you.

As I was merrily driving along I told the girls that I had always thought I'd be remarried, that when I separated from their Dad, not only did I think I would remarry, but I also thought that there was a possibility I would have another child....

To say that they were surprised is an understatement, to find that they were surprised was a revelation to me!

So.....it got me to thinking, am I, at heart, a committment-phobe? It's not the first time that label has been thrown at me. Perhaps I am, perhaps it is me that is deluded?!

If I examine the facts (divorced almost 15 years, only lived with one man since and that only lasted two years) then I guess I can start to see what they mean.

But at the same time, I see, a very different me. I may not have found someone I can live with for any length of time, I may have gone through a journey that doesn't necessarily have an end yet, but I still don't think that makes me a committment-phobe.

In fact, if I examine the person I am inside then I know that there are people who have been incredibly dear to me that I will always feel a committment to....... But, and here's the thing, I can love, and I can love well, I can love people for who they are, even though I know that who they are is not necessarily right for me, that our unique combination would be a recipe for disaster!

I see myself as a woman capable of great, deep and lasting love. There are many of you out there who I love, both friends and lovers, who have earnt my love and respect in many different ways and you are the ones that in my own way I will always be committed to.

But, I've made mistakes, and they hurt, not just me but the people I share my life with.

What I believe is that one day, maybe when I'm 70, who knows? One day, I won't be a committment-phobe any longer, I will be a woman, who finally got it right...............

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned!!

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned! It has been almost a month since my last blog post.......

Now, as this is my therapy, you might think that this is  good thing - that perhaps life is all good and there is no need for me to blog, but as I've written before, sometimes I find it hard to say what needs to be said.

History has also taught me that I internalise my stresses - I'm told this is not a good thing! So, the saying is that Silence is Golden.....for this bird that is not always the case!

Now, don't get me wrong, on the whole life is moving in the direction I would like it to, moving house, cutting out some of the commute, daughters living their lives well..... But with all these life stages, there's a bit of pain to go through to get there.

So currently, I am excited about the move and going to view the new house for the second time today (can't wait, know I will love it even more). Looking forward to my first daughter graduating Uni this Summer and my youngest smashing her A Levels.

But, the minutiae day to day detail is that moving house is stressful, anything to do with money is stressful!! Will I get the mortgage offer ok, will the survey be fine, will my solicitor get everything sorted on time......

The minutiae detail that is keeping me awake tonight (yes this is a very early morning post) is that ALL the A Level coursework is saved on a harddrive which underwent a slight accident yesterday and is no longer working...... we are waiting for the computer repair shop to open and hopefully tell us that they can retrieve all the data that is due to be handed in on Tuesday.......the stress the teenager is currently feeling is enormous, but darling, I'm right there with you.

Middle daughter has also been texting in the night not feeling well, parenting doesn't stop when they leave home.....it simply becomes more virtual.

When you have children it is the greatest, most incredibly gift - but you ride every wave of their lives with them, you feel every inch of pain alongside them, and you would give any limb on your body to make their lives easier at times. If anyone tries to tell you that being a parent isn't stressful, then they are lying, it is! 

Doing it alone is not the easy option, though it does make for less arguements about how to bring your children up, but sometimes, just sometimes, having someone else to share the joys and the troubles with would be nice.

One of the harder times can be as they start to grow up and the reality of lifes difficulties hits them - at some point in all of their lives now they have each asked me what the point of life is when it's so hard?!

Well, to be completely honest, for someone who has been through an incredibly difficult divorce, lost her mother at the tender age of 50, dealt with more cancer than is fair and having a chronic illness that cannot be cured................. that can be a challenging question to answer at times!

But, perhaps more so because of those things, I do have an answer to that question........

Yes, life is hard, it is challenging, it doesn't always go the way you would like it to, people die, people leave and you find yourself changing in ways that you would never believe. BUT despite all of that life gives you this - it gives you great fantastic moments, children are born, people are loved, there is beauty in this world, compassion, kindness.

The feeling that you get from these moments, the joy, the pleasure, the heart-warming gives you so very much that you battle through the tough times because life IS worth it.

And that is why I'm trying to change my life and I encourage my daughters to do the same, to bring more compassion and kindness into it, more positivity and light. To bring kindness and compassion to others.

After a hard day in the office and a crappy cold wait for a late train in the snow one Friday this winter I got talking to a woman on the train who had a long walk home in the snow and had forgotten her hat and gloves, when we got to our destination I gave that stranger a lift home. She was incredibly grateful - but I feel I got the better deal, meeting her, talking to her, knowing that I'd helped make her evening better made me forget the crappy day!

So here I am advocating the idea of doing one kind thing everyday - because it does make a difference to us all. I'm advocating that we don't linger too much on the troublesome minutiae because the bigger picture is always better.

And here I am praying that the nice computer man will be able to retrieve the data, because God knows I would do almost anything to put that wrong right.........

Turning Chapters

There comes a point in life when you realise that it's about Chapters, that the path you were taking and thought would always be there - isn't your path anymore.

I'm on the cusp of a new Chapter in my life - I'm moving into a City, something I never thought I'd do, moving closer to people I know and care about and am privileged to call friends. One thing I've learnt in life is that friends, both old and new, are incredibly important to us human beings.

This Chapter is also about downsizing, simplifying, taking some of the pressure off, gently releasing my foot from the pedal and learning to enjoy life more.  Having a leukaemia diagnosis made me put my life into turbo charge - I felt the need to cram so much into so little time, and I did.

Eleven years on I'm a fully fledged workaholic with a Blackberry glued to my hand and I've lost the ability to just be for any real length of time. This week the Blackberry has been switched off since Monday - and I thought I was doing so well, until my daughter pointed out I was approaching this house sale in a work-like manner!!!

So, I'm excited about this future, looking forward to the change, it's something I thrive upon. But you can't start a new Chapter without reflecting, without a tinge of regret, for what has gone before.

It's only right that we start each Chapter with renewed enthusiasm and excitement and anticipation - it's sad when that time in your life has drawn to a close, it's only fitting that we spend some time mourning it's passing. But only some time.....

It's good to reflect, it's good to feel some regret. But it's not good to dwell, or labour on something - the past, is, quite rightly, just that. I do enough navel gazing.

So, fine city, this former country girl is gonna take you on. Here's hoping you're ready for me!

Karma

I'm a great believer in Karma - I recently found a quote: "What people do to you is their Karma, what you do to them is yours." I believe that is so true.

I haven't always believed in it though, of course when younger and a so-called friend wrongs you, you want to hit out back at them. Or there's been many an ex-lover who's very unloving antics I've wanted to seek revenge for - and perhaps a few I have......

But the thing I've learnt over time is that if you're busy seeking revenge it can take over your life, like an obsession, and yet really, try as hard as you might you can't control other people and their lives and their feelings so in the end you never really achieve revenge.

You are so busy trying to right the wrong that someone has caused you that you fail to look at the real problem and deal with that. The bit inside of you that allowed someone to treat you like that, a lack of self-confidence or self-worth.

There are few really confident people in this world and I don't know anyone who is really happy with everything about themselves. We live in a society that is judgemental, that worries about status, appearance, money, where we sit in the hierarchy.

But I am lucky to know some people who have taken the time in their life to know themselves better, and through that to know others too. Whilst they are not perfect, what they have is the ability to love themselves despite that - to accept their imperfections as the character traits that they are.

What these people also have is something amazing, they have peace. I've been lucky enough in my life to meet Archbishop Desmond Tutu, to seriously meet him and spend some time with him, talking to him, observing him with others.

Without a doubt that time, that man, has had a lasting impression on my life, he truly is a man living with peace, compassion, caring, self-less. After a long day celebrating Hull's 700th anniversary, he looked at me, a 32 year old press officer and said - Lorraine, you look tired.......without a thought for himself and the fact that he had been diagnosed with cancer at the time - it's a moment I will never forget.

These people don't tie themselves up in knots seeking and extracting revenge, nor do they hide from people who may hurt them.

So that's how I wish to live my life now, each new person I meet, I trust, if they feel the need to hurt me then so be it, that is for their conscience to live with, not mine.

If people I know and care about wrong me, then I brush myself down and get on with life and perhaps, if needed, spend some time reflecting on what it was within me that allowed them to do that. But as I get older, I find it easier to walk away from those that hurt me, rather than feed my inner insecurity and stay there for more.

So I don't worry about revenge and hurting someone as much as they have hurt me, instead I believe in Karma........

Manipulation.....

Manipulation, manipulative people, it's a trait that all of us humans are capable of, and at least some point in our lives we nearly all display.

But I think manipulation comes from inner weakness, manipulative people tend to be those who really haven't sorted out who they are inside. Who feel insecure, weak, who are trying hard to be someone they think they should be rather than learning to love who they are.

I've been manipulated, I've had my heart strings tugged by manipulative people. And I don't doubt for a minute that I've manipulated others myself - we are none of us perfect.

But, peace, happiness, love, they don't come out of maniupulation - only rollercoasters and heartbreak are the results of that trait.

So, I'm learning to let go of the manipulators and to make a conscious choice not to be manipulative myself - it comes through growing and learning as we live this life..........
It comes with age, and lots, yes lots of experience ;-)

Life is scary, childhood doesn't prepare you for that, but you can't spend life hiding behind someone else's petticoats. You gotta grab it by the balls and live it.....no matter how much that can hurt at times.

Manipulation pulls at your heartstrings, but I still believe in  a love that doesn't need to do that - a love that will cherish those heartstrings for the precious things that they are.

So I banish manipulation from my life, I learn how to live and laugh and I hope one day I will learn how to love........

Finding direction

Ah! Finding direction, if only I knew how to do that?!

As a Sagittarian (yes I do believe in that mumbo jumbo) I know that I have the trait that makes me change direction frequently, never really settle in one place, somewhat unreliable, a bit skittish, difficult to pin down.

But I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing, it means that I don't compromise, I won't settle for second best and that I continually strive for something more. It's not the way of everyone, that I know, but it's always been right for me.

But in recent years, external forces, changes that I have no influence over, they have left me feeling directionless and, even worse for a woman like me, .......like I have no control. In these uncertain times, I'm far from the only one feeling like this, not knowing what the next week holds, let alone the future.

I know that finding direction will help - but suddenly it seems like there are so many directions out there I really don't know which one to take.

Suddenly (maybe it's the impending empty nest) there's such a great big wide world in sight and I want to grab it by the balls and go discover it. But, and here's another Sagittarian trait, at the same time, there's a massive part of me that just wants peace, to settle with a simpler lifestyle and just be....

I kind of know that if I'm ever going to discover my world, then that time is coming and that if I miss that opportunity, then the timing will probably never be right to take it again.

But, and perhaps as an offshoot of the leukaemia, I also crave the normal. In a time when I'm thinking about giving it all up and taking flight, I'm also actively growing more roots, settling into a life in a place that I'd never considered to be permanent, and I like that thought.

Maybe the right answer for me is a combination of both, discovery and normal.

So how in this world of no direction can I find the right path to take?

Well, I've decided to refer to an earlier post, and go with the flow............

I figure, that if I keep all options open and explore what may be then I won't need to find direction......it will find me.

Wanting...............

What is it with us human beings that we want what we can't really have or don't really need?

We're funny buggers - for some reason, known only to my whim's I want an ipad 2 - I have no idea what more it will give me than what my laptop and i-phone already give me - but nevertheless it's shiny and pretty and I want one.

But I don't need it..... and therefore, whilst I'd enjoy playing with a new toy for a while I suspect that my interest in it will soon wane and it will either get sold on or sit neglected in the corner of my room.

That's the other thing about us humans, we employ this wanting on our fellow human beings. We see someone we like the look of or that we've known and we build up fantasies and illusions that make us want them, yearn for them, believe that we love them.

I've been the subject of someone's wanting in recent years, pushed and pulled and persuaded until I believed. There's one thing for sure, when someone wants you the best way you can test whether or not they really mean it - is to give them what they want.

I did, and watched that person run away with comedic speed. I'd like to say it didn't hurt - but of course it did.

I know that I have and am learning lessons from the experience, it brings another of my favourite quotes to mind:

"I wish I had arrived at where I am going and had made my discovery. Then perhaps I might be capable of carrying the burden of someone else's happiness and complement their existence by making it happy and complete." Richard Beckinsale.

This living thing, I am discovering, is a journey, whilst on this journey I am trying to live and learn and grow - then eventually I hope one day to arrive at where I am going........

Going with the flow.........

Do you know what I really like about this life? The fact that if you don't stress about things and go with the flow it always works itself out - possibly not in the way you want it to, but always in the way it was meant to.

I'm terrible for going with the flow when there's a decision to be made - it's not that I don't care, or don't have an opinion. But that life has shown me that what is meant to be, will indeed be - without any care for your wants/opinions.

I took this approach when first diagnosed, much to the concern of my consultant at the time who kept saying to me - you're going to have to make a decision about what treatment you have. I disagreed and said that I was sure if we explored every avenue then an answer would become apparent - and it did.

What a time to find out that you have a rare Spanish blood type and that there were no bone marrow donors to match you in this country..... But at the same time I was accepted on a drugs trial for a totally new drug - the first time it had been available in this country. With hindsight - that going with the flow ended up being my lottery win.

Eleven years on I'm still here reaping the rewards!

So, perhaps to an almost annoying extent at times, I now go with the flow.......

And the flow of my life is currently leading me to seriously let go of the past, even the bits of it I never thought I'd be able to let go of.

But here I am tonight - for the first time ever, with a completely clean slate on the romantic front. Well now I hear you say - hasn't she been enjoying her single status for a few months now? Well, yes, but being me, there's always been someone there in the background ;-)

For the first time ever, there isn't, and strangely, that actually feels pretty good. Going with the flow has wiped all the slates clean and allowed me to finally let the past go.

So here I sit, aged 45, and for the first time in my life I am truly single - so my dear followers, I'm raising a glass of white as I write and saying cheers - here's to the future, whatever that may hold :-) xxx

Stepping out of the box

Talking of boxes......as we, or rather I, was. I believe that for the past 11 years I've been inside a box marked leukaemia - you know, the dying variety.

I didn't put myself there, consultants, disease and the facts as they were at that time did. But I've certainly helped to keep myself there, I haven't managed to get my head around moving with the times.

And times have certainly changed.....chronic myeloid leukaemia has gone from being a slow death sentence to something which is daily becoming more akin to diabetes, controllable with drugs.

Articles such as: Will I die from Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia help me realise that perhaps I should have a different perspective on life:
http://www.streetarticles.com/leukemia-lymphoma-cancer/will-i-die-from-chronic-myeloid-leukemia

I've been thinking like a dying woman, living like a dying woman and loving like a dying woman. Well, no more - I'm tired of that game, it was getting a bit boring anyway!!

So what does a living woman think like? Live like? Love like? Well, that I'm only just beginning to discover, but each and every day I discover something wonderful and new, and I kind of like that feeling.

So yes, this blog is the Diary of a dying woman - but it's the Diary of a dying woman who's  stepping out of a box marked leukaemia and just beginning to live........

On marriage - a love poem, not a proposal!

From The Prophet

Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage master?

And he answered saying;
You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Kahlil Gibran 19883-1931.

Being boxed in

What is this world's obsession with boxes? I just don't get it - although, if I'm being precise, I no longer get it.

I'm an 80s offshoot, I spent my late teens/early twenties trying to fit myself into the safety of the boxes daughter, wife, mother. Maybe it's because of my curvaceous figure, but I just don't fit those boxes well, or at least, not in the traditional manner.

Upon reflection, I think I was more obsessed with the boxes than the people in and around them. Suffice to say, it got messy!!

Perhaps the box I do fit best is the mother one.......though that may not always have unanimous agreement in this household. But I'm the kind of mother who starts foodfights, who swears in front of her daughters, who lives a life she's not afraid of sharing with her children, I make no apologies for that anymore.

"People need things to do, men and women, they need to be challenged and given a chance to dazzle. Without this a smart person will go crazy. And when women are circumscribed into roles of wife and mother, it will always feel as if men are the ones putting them there, even though, at this point, it is really up to us to say, I am larger and smarter and better and grander and greater than the little box you have tried to shut me in." Elizabeth Wurtzel, Bitch.

I live a life of laughter, of fun, of emotions, of pain, of joy - that doesn't come without risks. 

I shun boxes in this life now,  my mind is open, my heart even more so, the possibilities are endless..........and I have more life in me than most - so come on world, what are you waiting for?!

New Beginnings.

Well, it is the start of a New Year so I guess it's an appropriate time to be thinking about new beginnings.
New Year is a time for thinking of the future, reflecting on the past and letting things go - so this year, that's exactly what I intend to do. In many ways 2011 hasn't been my finest year, I've had better vintages...
I'm a believer in fate, that what is meant to be will be in the end, but despite this we do have choices to make in this life and decisions about what path to follow and how to handle the circumstances that life throws you. I stand by the many decisions I made in 2011, even those that I know have caused others pain, I still believe that I made them for the right reasons and that all of these decisions are just part of the life-plan that has already been mapped out for me.
For me, 2012 feels like the start of a new phase in my life, I don't yet know what it will bring, but it feels like it will be a year of great change, and that I am looking forward to.
The right decisions have to be made at the right time for the people in my life but they start here with the decision to let many things in my past go, to move on, to look to the future whatever that holds.
The things I can influence, although not the timing around them, are where I live, where I work, how I live, how I look after myself, the friendships I make, the positivity I show and share and the people I love. As Mahatma Ghandi said: "You have to be the change you want to see in the world"
In 2012 I am no longer happy to live a comatose life where time is simply passing by. I have things I want to do, I want to change the emphasis of my life, people I want to get to know, feelings I want to feel, places I want to see.
So folks, some of you will be seeing much more of me in 2012. 

And, if I look beyond my own naval for once then I'd like to think, even hope, that perhaps 2012 is going to be a year of change for many of us, perhaps it's time the yuppy generation spent more time looking outwards, perhaps it's a year when we learn more about kindness. Or maybe that's just a reflection of my time of life?!

But whatever 2012 brings, I wish you all love and laughter xxx