I don't know about you, but some of the more interesting and revealling conversations my family have are usually conducted in the car, driving to or from somewhere....
Some have shocked me (thanks girls for that, I am driving you know!!) but largely I have surprised my daughters. One such conversation took place yesterday, on the way back from indulging in chips in Wells (a favourite past time).
It had never occurred to me that my daughters see me as a committment-phobe, in fact more than that, they see me as a woman who actively never wanted to be married again. It's amazing sometimes the difference between how you perceive yourself and how others see you.
As I was merrily driving along I told the girls that I had always thought I'd be remarried, that when I separated from their Dad, not only did I think I would remarry, but I also thought that there was a possibility I would have another child....
To say that they were surprised is an understatement, to find that they were surprised was a revelation to me!
So.....it got me to thinking, am I, at heart, a committment-phobe? It's not the first time that label has been thrown at me. Perhaps I am, perhaps it is me that is deluded?!
If I examine the facts (divorced almost 15 years, only lived with one man since and that only lasted two years) then I guess I can start to see what they mean.
But at the same time, I see, a very different me. I may not have found someone I can live with for any length of time, I may have gone through a journey that doesn't necessarily have an end yet, but I still don't think that makes me a committment-phobe.
In fact, if I examine the person I am inside then I know that there are people who have been incredibly dear to me that I will always feel a committment to....... But, and here's the thing, I can love, and I can love well, I can love people for who they are, even though I know that who they are is not necessarily right for me, that our unique combination would be a recipe for disaster!
I see myself as a woman capable of great, deep and lasting love. There are many of you out there who I love, both friends and lovers, who have earnt my love and respect in many different ways and you are the ones that in my own way I will always be committed to.
But, I've made mistakes, and they hurt, not just me but the people I share my life with.
What I believe is that one day, maybe when I'm 70, who knows? One day, I won't be a committment-phobe any longer, I will be a woman, who finally got it right...............
Some have shocked me (thanks girls for that, I am driving you know!!) but largely I have surprised my daughters. One such conversation took place yesterday, on the way back from indulging in chips in Wells (a favourite past time).
It had never occurred to me that my daughters see me as a committment-phobe, in fact more than that, they see me as a woman who actively never wanted to be married again. It's amazing sometimes the difference between how you perceive yourself and how others see you.
As I was merrily driving along I told the girls that I had always thought I'd be remarried, that when I separated from their Dad, not only did I think I would remarry, but I also thought that there was a possibility I would have another child....
To say that they were surprised is an understatement, to find that they were surprised was a revelation to me!
So.....it got me to thinking, am I, at heart, a committment-phobe? It's not the first time that label has been thrown at me. Perhaps I am, perhaps it is me that is deluded?!
If I examine the facts (divorced almost 15 years, only lived with one man since and that only lasted two years) then I guess I can start to see what they mean.
But at the same time, I see, a very different me. I may not have found someone I can live with for any length of time, I may have gone through a journey that doesn't necessarily have an end yet, but I still don't think that makes me a committment-phobe.
In fact, if I examine the person I am inside then I know that there are people who have been incredibly dear to me that I will always feel a committment to....... But, and here's the thing, I can love, and I can love well, I can love people for who they are, even though I know that who they are is not necessarily right for me, that our unique combination would be a recipe for disaster!
I see myself as a woman capable of great, deep and lasting love. There are many of you out there who I love, both friends and lovers, who have earnt my love and respect in many different ways and you are the ones that in my own way I will always be committed to.
But, I've made mistakes, and they hurt, not just me but the people I share my life with.
What I believe is that one day, maybe when I'm 70, who knows? One day, I won't be a committment-phobe any longer, I will be a woman, who finally got it right...............
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