Ah! Finding direction, if only I knew how to do that?!
As a Sagittarian (yes I do believe in that mumbo jumbo) I know that I have the trait that makes me change direction frequently, never really settle in one place, somewhat unreliable, a bit skittish, difficult to pin down.
But I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing, it means that I don't compromise, I won't settle for second best and that I continually strive for something more. It's not the way of everyone, that I know, but it's always been right for me.
But in recent years, external forces, changes that I have no influence over, they have left me feeling directionless and, even worse for a woman like me, .......like I have no control. In these uncertain times, I'm far from the only one feeling like this, not knowing what the next week holds, let alone the future.
I know that finding direction will help - but suddenly it seems like there are so many directions out there I really don't know which one to take.
Suddenly (maybe it's the impending empty nest) there's such a great big wide world in sight and I want to grab it by the balls and go discover it. But, and here's another Sagittarian trait, at the same time, there's a massive part of me that just wants peace, to settle with a simpler lifestyle and just be....
I kind of know that if I'm ever going to discover my world, then that time is coming and that if I miss that opportunity, then the timing will probably never be right to take it again.
But, and perhaps as an offshoot of the leukaemia, I also crave the normal. In a time when I'm thinking about giving it all up and taking flight, I'm also actively growing more roots, settling into a life in a place that I'd never considered to be permanent, and I like that thought.
Maybe the right answer for me is a combination of both, discovery and normal.
So how in this world of no direction can I find the right path to take?
Well, I've decided to refer to an earlier post, and go with the flow............
I figure, that if I keep all options open and explore what may be then I won't need to find direction......it will find me.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Wanting...............
What is it with us human beings that we want what we can't really have or don't really need?
We're funny buggers - for some reason, known only to my whim's I want an ipad 2 - I have no idea what more it will give me than what my laptop and i-phone already give me - but nevertheless it's shiny and pretty and I want one.
But I don't need it..... and therefore, whilst I'd enjoy playing with a new toy for a while I suspect that my interest in it will soon wane and it will either get sold on or sit neglected in the corner of my room.
That's the other thing about us humans, we employ this wanting on our fellow human beings. We see someone we like the look of or that we've known and we build up fantasies and illusions that make us want them, yearn for them, believe that we love them.
I've been the subject of someone's wanting in recent years, pushed and pulled and persuaded until I believed. There's one thing for sure, when someone wants you the best way you can test whether or not they really mean it - is to give them what they want.
I did, and watched that person run away with comedic speed. I'd like to say it didn't hurt - but of course it did.
I know that I have and am learning lessons from the experience, it brings another of my favourite quotes to mind:
"I wish I had arrived at where I am going and had made my discovery. Then perhaps I might be capable of carrying the burden of someone else's happiness and complement their existence by making it happy and complete." Richard Beckinsale.
This living thing, I am discovering, is a journey, whilst on this journey I am trying to live and learn and grow - then eventually I hope one day to arrive at where I am going........
We're funny buggers - for some reason, known only to my whim's I want an ipad 2 - I have no idea what more it will give me than what my laptop and i-phone already give me - but nevertheless it's shiny and pretty and I want one.
But I don't need it..... and therefore, whilst I'd enjoy playing with a new toy for a while I suspect that my interest in it will soon wane and it will either get sold on or sit neglected in the corner of my room.
That's the other thing about us humans, we employ this wanting on our fellow human beings. We see someone we like the look of or that we've known and we build up fantasies and illusions that make us want them, yearn for them, believe that we love them.
I've been the subject of someone's wanting in recent years, pushed and pulled and persuaded until I believed. There's one thing for sure, when someone wants you the best way you can test whether or not they really mean it - is to give them what they want.
I did, and watched that person run away with comedic speed. I'd like to say it didn't hurt - but of course it did.
I know that I have and am learning lessons from the experience, it brings another of my favourite quotes to mind:
"I wish I had arrived at where I am going and had made my discovery. Then perhaps I might be capable of carrying the burden of someone else's happiness and complement their existence by making it happy and complete." Richard Beckinsale.
This living thing, I am discovering, is a journey, whilst on this journey I am trying to live and learn and grow - then eventually I hope one day to arrive at where I am going........
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Going with the flow.........
Do you know what I really like about this life? The fact that if you don't stress about things and go with the flow it always works itself out - possibly not in the way you want it to, but always in the way it was meant to.
I'm terrible for going with the flow when there's a decision to be made - it's not that I don't care, or don't have an opinion. But that life has shown me that what is meant to be, will indeed be - without any care for your wants/opinions.
I took this approach when first diagnosed, much to the concern of my consultant at the time who kept saying to me - you're going to have to make a decision about what treatment you have. I disagreed and said that I was sure if we explored every avenue then an answer would become apparent - and it did.
What a time to find out that you have a rare Spanish blood type and that there were no bone marrow donors to match you in this country..... But at the same time I was accepted on a drugs trial for a totally new drug - the first time it had been available in this country. With hindsight - that going with the flow ended up being my lottery win.
Eleven years on I'm still here reaping the rewards!
So, perhaps to an almost annoying extent at times, I now go with the flow.......
And the flow of my life is currently leading me to seriously let go of the past, even the bits of it I never thought I'd be able to let go of.
But here I am tonight - for the first time ever, with a completely clean slate on the romantic front. Well now I hear you say - hasn't she been enjoying her single status for a few months now? Well, yes, but being me, there's always been someone there in the background ;-)
For the first time ever, there isn't, and strangely, that actually feels pretty good. Going with the flow has wiped all the slates clean and allowed me to finally let the past go.
So here I sit, aged 45, and for the first time in my life I am truly single - so my dear followers, I'm raising a glass of white as I write and saying cheers - here's to the future, whatever that may hold :-) xxx
I'm terrible for going with the flow when there's a decision to be made - it's not that I don't care, or don't have an opinion. But that life has shown me that what is meant to be, will indeed be - without any care for your wants/opinions.
I took this approach when first diagnosed, much to the concern of my consultant at the time who kept saying to me - you're going to have to make a decision about what treatment you have. I disagreed and said that I was sure if we explored every avenue then an answer would become apparent - and it did.
What a time to find out that you have a rare Spanish blood type and that there were no bone marrow donors to match you in this country..... But at the same time I was accepted on a drugs trial for a totally new drug - the first time it had been available in this country. With hindsight - that going with the flow ended up being my lottery win.
Eleven years on I'm still here reaping the rewards!
So, perhaps to an almost annoying extent at times, I now go with the flow.......
And the flow of my life is currently leading me to seriously let go of the past, even the bits of it I never thought I'd be able to let go of.
But here I am tonight - for the first time ever, with a completely clean slate on the romantic front. Well now I hear you say - hasn't she been enjoying her single status for a few months now? Well, yes, but being me, there's always been someone there in the background ;-)
For the first time ever, there isn't, and strangely, that actually feels pretty good. Going with the flow has wiped all the slates clean and allowed me to finally let the past go.
So here I sit, aged 45, and for the first time in my life I am truly single - so my dear followers, I'm raising a glass of white as I write and saying cheers - here's to the future, whatever that may hold :-) xxx
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Stepping out of the box
Talking of boxes......as we, or rather I, was. I believe that for the past 11 years I've been inside a box marked leukaemia - you know, the dying variety.
I didn't put myself there, consultants, disease and the facts as they were at that time did. But I've certainly helped to keep myself there, I haven't managed to get my head around moving with the times.
And times have certainly changed.....chronic myeloid leukaemia has gone from being a slow death sentence to something which is daily becoming more akin to diabetes, controllable with drugs.
Articles such as: Will I die from Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia help me realise that perhaps I should have a different perspective on life:
http://www.streetarticles.com/leukemia-lymphoma-cancer/will-i-die-from-chronic-myeloid-leukemia
I've been thinking like a dying woman, living like a dying woman and loving like a dying woman. Well, no more - I'm tired of that game, it was getting a bit boring anyway!!
So what does a living woman think like? Live like? Love like? Well, that I'm only just beginning to discover, but each and every day I discover something wonderful and new, and I kind of like that feeling.
So yes, this blog is the Diary of a dying woman - but it's the Diary of a dying woman who's stepping out of a box marked leukaemia and just beginning to live........
I didn't put myself there, consultants, disease and the facts as they were at that time did. But I've certainly helped to keep myself there, I haven't managed to get my head around moving with the times.
And times have certainly changed.....chronic myeloid leukaemia has gone from being a slow death sentence to something which is daily becoming more akin to diabetes, controllable with drugs.
Articles such as: Will I die from Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia help me realise that perhaps I should have a different perspective on life:
http://www.streetarticles.com/leukemia-lymphoma-cancer/will-i-die-from-chronic-myeloid-leukemia
I've been thinking like a dying woman, living like a dying woman and loving like a dying woman. Well, no more - I'm tired of that game, it was getting a bit boring anyway!!
So what does a living woman think like? Live like? Love like? Well, that I'm only just beginning to discover, but each and every day I discover something wonderful and new, and I kind of like that feeling.
So yes, this blog is the Diary of a dying woman - but it's the Diary of a dying woman who's stepping out of a box marked leukaemia and just beginning to live........
Friday, 13 January 2012
On marriage - a love poem, not a proposal!
From The Prophet
Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage master?
And he answered saying;
You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Kahlil Gibran 19883-1931.
Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage master?
And he answered saying;
You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Kahlil Gibran 19883-1931.
Being boxed in
What is this world's obsession with boxes? I just don't get it - although, if I'm being precise, I no longer get it.
I'm an 80s offshoot, I spent my late teens/early twenties trying to fit myself into the safety of the boxes daughter, wife, mother. Maybe it's because of my curvaceous figure, but I just don't fit those boxes well, or at least, not in the traditional manner.
Upon reflection, I think I was more obsessed with the boxes than the people in and around them. Suffice to say, it got messy!!
Perhaps the box I do fit best is the mother one.......though that may not always have unanimous agreement in this household. But I'm the kind of mother who starts foodfights, who swears in front of her daughters, who lives a life she's not afraid of sharing with her children, I make no apologies for that anymore.
"People need things to do, men and women, they need to be challenged and given a chance to dazzle. Without this a smart person will go crazy. And when women are circumscribed into roles of wife and mother, it will always feel as if men are the ones putting them there, even though, at this point, it is really up to us to say, I am larger and smarter and better and grander and greater than the little box you have tried to shut me in." Elizabeth Wurtzel, Bitch.
I live a life of laughter, of fun, of emotions, of pain, of joy - that doesn't come without risks.
I shun boxes in this life now, my mind is open, my heart even more so, the possibilities are endless..........and I have more life in me than most - so come on world, what are you waiting for?!
I'm an 80s offshoot, I spent my late teens/early twenties trying to fit myself into the safety of the boxes daughter, wife, mother. Maybe it's because of my curvaceous figure, but I just don't fit those boxes well, or at least, not in the traditional manner.
Upon reflection, I think I was more obsessed with the boxes than the people in and around them. Suffice to say, it got messy!!
Perhaps the box I do fit best is the mother one.......though that may not always have unanimous agreement in this household. But I'm the kind of mother who starts foodfights, who swears in front of her daughters, who lives a life she's not afraid of sharing with her children, I make no apologies for that anymore.
"People need things to do, men and women, they need to be challenged and given a chance to dazzle. Without this a smart person will go crazy. And when women are circumscribed into roles of wife and mother, it will always feel as if men are the ones putting them there, even though, at this point, it is really up to us to say, I am larger and smarter and better and grander and greater than the little box you have tried to shut me in." Elizabeth Wurtzel, Bitch.
I live a life of laughter, of fun, of emotions, of pain, of joy - that doesn't come without risks.
I shun boxes in this life now, my mind is open, my heart even more so, the possibilities are endless..........and I have more life in me than most - so come on world, what are you waiting for?!
Sunday, 1 January 2012
New Beginnings.
Well, it is the start of a New Year so I guess it's an appropriate time to be thinking about new beginnings.
New Year is a time for thinking of the future, reflecting on the past and letting things go - so this year, that's exactly what I intend to do. In many ways 2011 hasn't been my finest year, I've had better vintages...
I'm a believer in fate, that what is meant to be will be in the end, but despite this we do have choices to make in this life and decisions about what path to follow and how to handle the circumstances that life throws you. I stand by the many decisions I made in 2011, even those that I know have caused others pain, I still believe that I made them for the right reasons and that all of these decisions are just part of the life-plan that has already been mapped out for me.
For me, 2012 feels like the start of a new phase in my life, I don't yet know what it will bring, but it feels like it will be a year of great change, and that I am looking forward to.
The right decisions have to be made at the right time for the people in my life but they start here with the decision to let many things in my past go, to move on, to look to the future whatever that holds.
The things I can influence, although not the timing around them, are where I live, where I work, how I live, how I look after myself, the friendships I make, the positivity I show and share and the people I love. As Mahatma Ghandi said: "You have to be the change you want to see in the world"
In 2012 I am no longer happy to live a comatose life where time is simply passing by. I have things I want to do, I want to change the emphasis of my life, people I want to get to know, feelings I want to feel, places I want to see.
So folks, some of you will be seeing much more of me in 2012.
And, if I look beyond my own naval for once then I'd like to think, even hope, that perhaps 2012 is going to be a year of change for many of us, perhaps it's time the yuppy generation spent more time looking outwards, perhaps it's a year when we learn more about kindness. Or maybe that's just a reflection of my time of life?!
But whatever 2012 brings, I wish you all love and laughter xxx
New Year is a time for thinking of the future, reflecting on the past and letting things go - so this year, that's exactly what I intend to do. In many ways 2011 hasn't been my finest year, I've had better vintages...
I'm a believer in fate, that what is meant to be will be in the end, but despite this we do have choices to make in this life and decisions about what path to follow and how to handle the circumstances that life throws you. I stand by the many decisions I made in 2011, even those that I know have caused others pain, I still believe that I made them for the right reasons and that all of these decisions are just part of the life-plan that has already been mapped out for me.
For me, 2012 feels like the start of a new phase in my life, I don't yet know what it will bring, but it feels like it will be a year of great change, and that I am looking forward to.
The right decisions have to be made at the right time for the people in my life but they start here with the decision to let many things in my past go, to move on, to look to the future whatever that holds.
The things I can influence, although not the timing around them, are where I live, where I work, how I live, how I look after myself, the friendships I make, the positivity I show and share and the people I love. As Mahatma Ghandi said: "You have to be the change you want to see in the world"
In 2012 I am no longer happy to live a comatose life where time is simply passing by. I have things I want to do, I want to change the emphasis of my life, people I want to get to know, feelings I want to feel, places I want to see.
So folks, some of you will be seeing much more of me in 2012.
And, if I look beyond my own naval for once then I'd like to think, even hope, that perhaps 2012 is going to be a year of change for many of us, perhaps it's time the yuppy generation spent more time looking outwards, perhaps it's a year when we learn more about kindness. Or maybe that's just a reflection of my time of life?!
But whatever 2012 brings, I wish you all love and laughter xxx
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