Understandably I guess some of you reading this have shown concern for me and concern for how I feel right now. I thank you for that - I understand your concern and I have at times shared it, my life has taken me to the edge at times and I have looked over but chosen not to go there. But is this a break-down you are seeing before you? I don't believe so - for how can you break something that is already broken?
I know that I am a strong person, I know that I cope, I know that life throws many things my way and I keep on going, holding us all together. But whilst I am strong on the outside, inside for a very long time now I have felt broken, not in pieces, not completely, not spiralling out of control but just inherently sad. Is that depression? I don't feel depressed, I often feel great joy. I can sometimes see things more clearly than others, I don't miss the beautiful leaf spiralling down from the tree, I see the flowers hiding behind the hedge, I notice the little things in life that really matter and I can see people in a way that others miss. I appreciate some very good friends that I have been blessed to meet over the years. But at the same time living with Leukaemia has brought me a great sadness inside.
What I am doing now is not breaking but fixing, I keep things inside and now I am sharing. I don't say things that should be said, but now I am. I don't plan - many of you know I don't ever plan, but now, through this I am beginning to plan. I don't touch people but in doing this I am reaching out and touching you.
Is this my therapy - probably, is this self-indulgent? Definitely.
If this is hard to read then please don't.
But in blogging I am letting go of so many things.......
And so I continue to blog...........
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