Let's talk about living......

Ok - so let's talk about living. Flipping heck, I hear you say, will this woman make her mind up?! One minute it's dying, now it's living! Well, maybe one day.....who knows? It's not compulsory.....

That's the thing about this dying lark - it gets you to thinking about living and what it's all about. For the past 11 years I feel like I've had my head down, concentrating on only one thing, living long enough to raise the girls, avoiding the death thing.

But It's hard to avoid the thoughts of dying when the sword of damacles hangs above your head and every now and then it gives you a gentle tap as if to say - hey remember me, I'm still here, not going anywhere.

But like I've said before, I'm here now, and whilst the sword is still up there it doesn't appear to be swinging my way anytime soon. Great news, scary news, really difficult to get your head around news. There's this slight possibility that despite still having leukaemia traceable in my body I could live as long as every one of you - I could grow old (er), grey (er) and dare I say it, slightly mad (der)..........

So here's the thing, what to do with that?

When I was first diagnosed I'd just gone through a difficult divorce, just got my first single house with the girls, just felt like I was getting onto my own feet for probably the first time in my life.....
then the leukaemia happened.

Then, the one thing I thought I'd always be able to rely on, my own self, my own body - turned on me, talk about body dysmorphia. Whilst you can forgive other people for the things they do to you it's so very hard to forgive yourself.

But it's time.........so this weekend, I'm taking myself away, I'm retreating. Not because life's too much -  life's difficult, amazing, wonderful and I can never get enough of it.

But because I need some time to learn to forgive this body of mine, to forget the past and to let go of the pain it has had me in for many years now.

With a bit of meditation, yoga, relaxation, massage and general loving of this body perhaps I can let the past go and learn to live again.

So my dear friends, I retreat..............