Well, that was obvious I hear some of you say......and I can hear others bracing themselves in their very masculine chairs....what the hell is she gonna say now?! Well, you gotta let a girl have a bit of fun ;-)
As you may know, there have been a few in my life, some good, some not so good, some that I will never want to forget..... I regret not one of them, they are helping to shape me.
But with leukaemia in your life it's difficult to form meaningful, lasting relationships - you always feel that you are giving the other person a bum deal, and that, if they're of the good variety and you care about them, then they perhaps deserve more than you can offer. It's hard to let people you care about get close to you when you may die on them, who would want to put anyone through that?
So, I've had relationships.....a few. None that have gone the full nine yards! I've become a master at pressing the self-destruct button, so skilled that they often don't realise it's me pushing it. And so here I am again, single - good job I like that status!!
It's really hard when you start a new relationship, you meet a guy, you date, and all the time you're thinking, when do I mention the 'L' word - no, not love, that bit's easy. But when do you tell them you've got leukaemia?
The minute you meet them? Get it out in the open straight away - oh hi, I'm Lorraine, I have leukaemia and am a fan of alliteration......... yup, that would send me running for the hills - mental bird!!
Is it before you sleep with them? You can see the conundrum, here's me, doing my best at 44 to convince myself that I'm still a sexy woman, trying to flirt, seduce, entice (who me?!!) and then as things start to head in the right direction, ie half way up the stairs: you say - oh, by the way, I have leukaemia, it's not curable, I take meds every day, and I'm probably gonna die....... all that hard work on seduction goes out the window, passion killer.
Or, do you wait til afterwards? And they feel slightly cheated, that the person they just had a passionate encounter with, is actually someone else.
For a woman like me, ie full blooded, having such a passion killer in my repertoire is a complete antithesis.
And here's the thing, people, and more especially, men, they look at you differently when they know you have leukaemia, it's the male protective instinct.........suddenly, they want to care for you! Great, you think, who doesn't want to be cared for?! Well, actually, me....... I don't want/need a carer, I love to be cherished like any sane woman, but I also want to be loved, passionately, despite the leukaemia.
So, it becomes this thing that basically no man (or at least not one I've met yet) can get right for me, they're on a losing track. Some, and usually the good ones, can't bear to talk about it with you, they can't bear to hear me take the piss out of my leukeamia - the 'what's the point of a pension cos I'm dying' line doesn't go down well!! I know that's because they care, but being in denial is not the way forward, it's a massive part of me, if you can't face up to that, then you can't face up to me.
Then there's the ones who face up to it so much they want to be my carer, look after me, love me, support me, cherish me, protect me, smother me, possess me, choke me!! This bird has been on her own far too long to cope with that, I'm far too stubborn and independent to give myself up to another human being in that way........so another relationship bites the dust.
I have ended relationships because of the leukaemia, because of the way it is affecting the other person - it's not an easy thing to cope with, but I cope, sometimes it is far harder for the others in your life. I do recognise now that that was not necessarily my decision to make.....
Some men have been completely up front with me, I don't want a relationship with you because of the leukaemia, I can't cope with it. You gotta admire them for their honesty - problem is, being a woman, that suddenly makes me want them even more!!
One man, in blunt honesty, did say that he couldn't have a relationship with me because I am dying, and he couldn't put himself, or his family, through that - that's the bluntest honesty I've ever had. It crushed me, not just because of who he is in my life, and it is him that gave me the title for this blog..............
But, in all of this, my relationships with men, have been about my craving to be normal, to live a normal life.......I'm beginning to realise that perhaps, even without the leukaemia that is not my way.
So, at this time in my life, instead of looking for love, instead of looking for a relationship to complete me, instead of worrying about dying without a man who loves me in my life.
I'm just enjoying time out, learning to be me, learning to complete myself..................
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