15 years......

So yesterday was my 15 year cancerversary as us old timers are calling it now. 15 years since I was first diagnosed, since my life, and more importantly my daughter's lives were all turned on their head....

It's a long time to be living with the prospect of dying, the thought that the next blood test can bring the news that the thing inside of you that controls your life, or death, is ready for a fight.

I wouldn't wish Leukaemia on anyone, it's force is so destructive. Die from it, live with it, once you've got it, it never goes away. And leukaemia is just one of many diseases/illnesses that thousands of us are living with every day.

So what did I do to celebrate this momentous occasion? I went to work, carried on as near normal as my days can get.......

I also took the time to contact Molly-Ann's uncle to find out how she is doing, now 21, yesterday was her big birthday celebration - imagine that! Imagine how her family must feel, 15 years ago their beautiful young daughter was on death's door - now she's a gorgeous 21 year old with a bright future ahead of her. Amazing!

I posted my news on the cml sites and had many likes and messages from newbies and others not as far along this journey as me, I don't post often but I knew that a 15 year marker and still going strong would give hope to some who needed it at that moment.

I also got lots of hugs, from people dear to me and from people new to me. You can never get enough hugs in this world I've decided........

And I carried on being a mum......stressing over a daughter stuck in a broken down car on a motorway, getting flowers (and more of those hug things) from the daughter still at home, and a beautiful message from the daughter now living away.....

Because being a mum has been my reason for being, for staying, for fighting.

Viva la hugs that's what I say..........
 

Let's be kind to each other shall we?

I start this blog with a knot in my stomach - you know, the kind you get when things are on your mind, when you know all's not right but you're not quite sure or in the position to change them. When you're watching people you care about going through difficult times but there's nothing you can do but be there or when you're life is not taking the track you'd hoped it would.

We've all been there - that knotted, heavy hearted feeling, a bit like indigestion that even Rennie's will not shift.......

Life gives us times like this - we've all ridden a few storms - it's coming out the other end that's important. And it's knowing that you will that keeps you going.

But there are also times when we really can't see the wood for the trees - when the knot becomes a vice around our insides that you wonder if it will ever ease?

I've seen the darkness of depression and lived with it for a while - a year after being diagnosed I fell apart. A difficult and painful bone marrow biopsy, worrying about the girls, a difficult day in the office - it all suddenly became just too much - the shoulders too heavy to cope with the load anymore.

It's funny, I don't think I'd ever really thought about what depression would look like but for me it came in a wave of tears, hundreds, thousands of tears and the need to dive under the duvet and just stay there and cry, not knowing whether it was night or day and no longer caring either.

It was an incredible overwhelmingly numb feeling and knowing that everything going on around me was just too much - more than I could cope with - so I stopped coping. It also came as fear, fear of seeing people, fear of being in the outside world and a feeling that I had been bashed and bruised one too many times.

Of course, you can't stay like that forever, so I ventured out from the duvet and off to see the doctor who diagnosed depression and prescribed anti-depressents. That in itself was a momentous moment - something you never think you'll see, especially when you are someone who you believe is a bit of a sponge and can cope with life's trials and someone who is a glass half full kind of person rather than empty. I think of myself as an eternal optimist, but the optimism had been knocked out of me..........

I had an overwhelming question hanging over me..........so, you coped with your mother's death at an early age, you survived a particularly nasty divorce, you survived leukaemia and achieved remission - but the question I was struggling with was: 'Is this it?' Is this really what I went through all that for? Is this crap really worth all that?

My consultant was surprised, he said most people break when diagnosed but you left it a year..... you're in remission, you should be happy. I know where he was coming from but when diagnosed I had things to do, purpose, a reason to keep going so that I could get into remission - it was the getting there and finding that actually, life was still the same struggle, still the same stresses and people still treated you like crap at times that did it for me.

I'm also a stubborn, indpendent bugger so although I accepted the need for anti-depressents I was determined they would be a short-term solution.  I have to say that, for me, they did work - three months on and I was driving to work and caught myself singing to the radio and I realised that yes, life was still crap at times, but I was stronger and I could cope, so I weaned myself off the anti-depressents and got on with life.

Have I been depressed since? Well, yes, but not in the same overwhelming, totally consuming, can't cope anymore way. Was I depressed when I started this blog over a year ago? Well, probably more so than I would care to admit, probably nearer the darkness than I had been since before. Has blogging helped? Yes, that and changing my life so that I am happier with it. Though this kind of from the heart blog is a weirdly personal way of laying yourself bare.......

So why the knot know? Well, whilst I'm taking my life in a different direction, it's taking time and there's still a way to go yet and that means I'm having to utilise this thing called patience......not something I'm always very good at! I'm also looking for honesty, and am not sure I'm always getting that.....

I guess I'm also feeling other people's crap - leukaemia is far from being the only trial that people face in this life and right now I have friends/family going through difficult times, which you wish you could fix, but you can't.

One thing I've tried to do in this life is learn, and I've learnt that it's important to accept people for who they are and also to be kind to each other. Life seriously deals a lot of shit we have absolutely no control over, but we can control how we are to other people, and we should.

We should also learn to be honest with ourselves and then with others, even if we know that honesty will hurt - don't be cruel in that honesty, think always about the other person's feelings, but don't let the fear of hurting someone stop you from being honest - because honestly, deep down inside, they know........

I know it's a cliche but it's a good one - do one good thing each day people, don't make judgements about others when you don't know the whole story and please, please, please, let's just be kind to each other shall we?

Growing a voice......

It was at about age 14 that I started to lose my voice, not literally of course, but the voice that felt confident enough to have an opinion, let alone believe that anyone else would want to hear it.

One of the beauties (yes I did associate that word with leukaemia) of having a life-threatening illness is that you can lose the inhibition that growing up in the real world gives you. You gain a 'what have I got to lose' approach to life.

With that comes the courage to actually go for things I would once never have thought of doing, to say things I would never have said and to have opinions and learn to vocalise them. Many people lack confidence, I've found it's often the ones who seem most gregarious that are actually some of the least confident people underneath.

I get cross at the cruelty of other people that cause others to lose confidence with the words that they say, sometimes deliberately, sometimes to be fair, without thinking, I don't imagine I have been totally innocent of that. I wish that I could inject confidence into people so that the normality of life didn't have to effect them and bring them down, but I've learnt, from experience that has to come from within....

So now I have a voice, and what's more I can feel the passion inside again that is needed to have an opinion and voice it - and strangely, twitter has been a vessel to help me develop that further, to voice what I feel.

So let's talk about equality........I absolutely, totally, completely believe in equality. I was born equal to every other man and woman, colour, crede, ability, faith. I may not always understand, but yes, I do mean equal.

Yes, I'm a feminist, and no that's not a contradiction. Two of my best-loved books were written by Germaine Greer, a third is Bitch by Elizabeth Wurtzel.....feminist lit at its best. But I guess it's the perception of the reader cos I don't seem them as male-hating, bra burning zealots. In fact quite the opposite, in my reading of them they advocate equality, not superiority.

But I don't think equality means that we have to lose respect for each other, or lose the ability to care enough to be kind to one another. I'd happily hold the door open for a man and I don't think he's insulting my independence by doing the same for me, all I would like in return is a thank-you and I would most happily greet a door being held open for me with a smile and a thanks - it's about respect!

I love the people on twitter who advocate doing something kind every day - let's all just do that.

I fail to understand why some people think that they are better than another, why they think they have the right to hate someone else. That is why tonight I will be kitting myself up with a candle and spending the evening with Norwich Pride at a candlelit vigil against hate crime, because it's time to have a voice and it's time to make it heard........

Call me a lily-livered liberal or a lentil eating veggie if you like, feel free - because this girl has finally learnt to have the confidence to be comfortable with the labels you choose to throw at me :-) 

Here we are again.......

So, this blogging thing, haven't done that for a while.........

Since I last blogged back in May such a lot has happened in my life, I've moved house, bought a newer car (almost), gained new friends, spent more time with my daughters, worked out what a social life is and moved so much closer to being me again!

All of these things have been positive, have seen a massive change in the person I am inside, I'm still not 'fixed', whole, complete, I'm not sure if I ever will be, does anyone ever really feel like that?!..... But I am now in much better place and for the first time in years I feel like I know who me is again.

I've learnt some lessons from all of this - never again will I live in a new house, for only an older property with character can stir my soul and be a true home. I say this, despite the fact there are currently three adults cramped into a two-bedroom terrace and my dining room is doing a great impression of a student digs......I care not, I'm happy.

I've also learnt the true value of good friends - I had a great friendship circle many years ago when I lived in Hornsea but I moved away from them, I don't regret the move, it was something I had to do. And those friends, though I see much less of them, will always be important to me. But what I never developed was a friendship circle in Norfolk, people I could laugh with, share problems with, just 'be' with - so the move has meant that I can now develop that and I have and undoubtedly this has helped put me in a better place.  Who knew how healing a girls night out drinking cocktails and talking waxing could be?!!!

So, it's with this new-found happiness and one-ness with myself (yes, yes, aged hippy really!) that I decided perhaps, tentatively, I was ready to think about dating again................

So what does every sensible 45-year-old woman considering a bit of romance do? Well, I joined an on-line dating site....

It's not the first time I've used one, I had a great two-year relationship thanks to one, so I thought, why not? I'll join up and just explore what's out there.

Well, I have to say I don't remember it being such a laugh before - I've had the ' did it hurt when you fell from heaven chatline' - no, but it hurt when I couldn't stop laughing.....I'm normally more associated with hell in the dating world!!

'Notbig' keeps trying to flirt with me.......with all due respect perhaps a different name would have yielded more success? 'Bikerboy' stood more of a chance (especially if the bike turned out to be a harley and not a 50cc scooter) but 'Smutt' really was going nowhere.......

Perhaps I'm too old and cynical but another thing I've learnt - online dating just isn't for me, if only cos being a true Scot I absolutely refuse to pay for it so I can't actually 'connect' with anyone, yet despite this, in a manner similar to an credit rating agency, the pointer on my popularity rating is moving up and I am now officially 'popular' - let's not speculate what my rating could be if I could actually talk to anyone........

So, whilst I guess I'm declaring myself 'open for business' (or probably more 'less likely to recoil from the thought of being with a member of the opposite sex' - you may laugh but that is how I felt until very recently) I've decided that you can't force these things and that perhaps the best way is to go 'au naturelle' - no Smutty, not that........perhaps it's best to just leave these things to chance and see what happens.........

So- anyone out there know how to unsubscribe from a dating website?!!!!!

Wouldn't it be good.......

At the end of a topsy turvey week the need to blog is upon me again, and this time the subject line comes from a friend who took me back to my teenage years at the start of the week with a reminder of Nik Kershaw's song from the 80s - Wouldn't it be good.

For those of you who are far too young to remember Nik Kershaw and even the 80s let me pull out some of the poignant lines for me:

"It's getting harder just keeping life and soul together, I'm sick of fighting even though I know I should.......
Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes even if it's just for one day
Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away
Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care......."

So, as you can see, this is going to be a happy blog post!!

I guess for me it reminds me that life is a struggle at times, and I guess that even the younger ones of you reading this will already have worked that bit out or seen glimpses of it. That's one of the many joys, or not, of growing up.

In the 80s when I first heard this song it didn't resonate nearly much as it does now, I had no idea of the struggles to come, I had no idea of how hard it would be at times just to keep life and soul together and I certainly hadn't felt sick of fighting.......

Well now, at the ripe old age of 45 I can certainly say that I've experienced struggles a plenty. But here's the thing.......I've had moments of being sick of fighting, and moments when I've questioned what the hell this is all about - I don't imagine there are many of you out there who haven't at times felt the same way. But, despite the struggles, the fights, I'm still very, incredibly, bloody glad to still be here........whingeing, blogging, struggling on........

In the middle of this work-challenging week someone asked me if I was going to apply for my boss' job as Director and seemed genuinely shocked when I said no, absolutely not. And that has been my stance from day one of knowing that she would be leaving, absolutely not.......

Now, for someone who has sometimes been accussed of being a workaholic and far too focussed on work it may seem strange that I'm really not interested in persuing my career even further when the opportunity has arisen.

But, I'm not, and I guess that it's because I no longer feel the need to push myself, prove myself, act like someone who isn't dying of leukaemia.......

It's not that I've managed to find peace yet, or learnt to be truly happy with my life, though I do think I'm on the right track. But it is an acceptance that perhaps I've buried my head in my committment to my work enough, that perhaps it's time to stop avoiding the real issues in life by being a workaholic.

Perhaps I'm aiming for the line in Nik Kershaw's song: "Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care....."

The person I was when I left school, when I got married at 20, is not the person that I am now. All I wanted then was to be married, have children, live in a house with roses around the door and, I guess, live without a care........ but life didn't deliver that surprisingly, and through that I have changed.

But, as a woman who after 15 years of divorce finally gave her wedding dress away this weekend, perhaps inside I haven't really changed or moved that far from the person I was then.

Perhaps, to find peace and be happy (or at least happier), I need to get back in touch with the person that I was. I surprised my oldest daughter this week when I told her that when I move I intend to make all my own curtains.......but that is the person that I used to be. It's those simple creative tasks that I love, that help me feel like me, that give me pleasure.

I want to create a home that has soul, I want to create a haven that my daughters can return to when life's struggles begin to touch them, I want a home where friends can drop in and just be....

I guess, what I really want, is a life less complicated..........and, naievly or not, I'm still hoping for some roses around the door........

Committment phobe?...........or just a woman determined to get it right?

I don't know about you, but some of the more interesting and revealling conversations my family have are usually conducted in the car, driving to or from somewhere....

Some have shocked me (thanks girls for that, I am driving you know!!) but largely I have surprised my daughters. One such conversation took place yesterday, on the way back from indulging in chips in Wells (a favourite past time).

It had never occurred to me that my daughters see me as a committment-phobe, in fact more than that, they see me as a woman who actively never wanted to be married again. It's amazing sometimes the difference between how you perceive yourself and how others see you.

As I was merrily driving along I told the girls that I had always thought I'd be remarried, that when I separated from their Dad, not only did I think I would remarry, but I also thought that there was a possibility I would have another child....

To say that they were surprised is an understatement, to find that they were surprised was a revelation to me!

So.....it got me to thinking, am I, at heart, a committment-phobe? It's not the first time that label has been thrown at me. Perhaps I am, perhaps it is me that is deluded?!

If I examine the facts (divorced almost 15 years, only lived with one man since and that only lasted two years) then I guess I can start to see what they mean.

But at the same time, I see, a very different me. I may not have found someone I can live with for any length of time, I may have gone through a journey that doesn't necessarily have an end yet, but I still don't think that makes me a committment-phobe.

In fact, if I examine the person I am inside then I know that there are people who have been incredibly dear to me that I will always feel a committment to....... But, and here's the thing, I can love, and I can love well, I can love people for who they are, even though I know that who they are is not necessarily right for me, that our unique combination would be a recipe for disaster!

I see myself as a woman capable of great, deep and lasting love. There are many of you out there who I love, both friends and lovers, who have earnt my love and respect in many different ways and you are the ones that in my own way I will always be committed to.

But, I've made mistakes, and they hurt, not just me but the people I share my life with.

What I believe is that one day, maybe when I'm 70, who knows? One day, I won't be a committment-phobe any longer, I will be a woman, who finally got it right...............

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned!!

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned! It has been almost a month since my last blog post.......

Now, as this is my therapy, you might think that this is  good thing - that perhaps life is all good and there is no need for me to blog, but as I've written before, sometimes I find it hard to say what needs to be said.

History has also taught me that I internalise my stresses - I'm told this is not a good thing! So, the saying is that Silence is Golden.....for this bird that is not always the case!

Now, don't get me wrong, on the whole life is moving in the direction I would like it to, moving house, cutting out some of the commute, daughters living their lives well..... But with all these life stages, there's a bit of pain to go through to get there.

So currently, I am excited about the move and going to view the new house for the second time today (can't wait, know I will love it even more). Looking forward to my first daughter graduating Uni this Summer and my youngest smashing her A Levels.

But, the minutiae day to day detail is that moving house is stressful, anything to do with money is stressful!! Will I get the mortgage offer ok, will the survey be fine, will my solicitor get everything sorted on time......

The minutiae detail that is keeping me awake tonight (yes this is a very early morning post) is that ALL the A Level coursework is saved on a harddrive which underwent a slight accident yesterday and is no longer working...... we are waiting for the computer repair shop to open and hopefully tell us that they can retrieve all the data that is due to be handed in on Tuesday.......the stress the teenager is currently feeling is enormous, but darling, I'm right there with you.

Middle daughter has also been texting in the night not feeling well, parenting doesn't stop when they leave home.....it simply becomes more virtual.

When you have children it is the greatest, most incredibly gift - but you ride every wave of their lives with them, you feel every inch of pain alongside them, and you would give any limb on your body to make their lives easier at times. If anyone tries to tell you that being a parent isn't stressful, then they are lying, it is! 

Doing it alone is not the easy option, though it does make for less arguements about how to bring your children up, but sometimes, just sometimes, having someone else to share the joys and the troubles with would be nice.

One of the harder times can be as they start to grow up and the reality of lifes difficulties hits them - at some point in all of their lives now they have each asked me what the point of life is when it's so hard?!

Well, to be completely honest, for someone who has been through an incredibly difficult divorce, lost her mother at the tender age of 50, dealt with more cancer than is fair and having a chronic illness that cannot be cured................. that can be a challenging question to answer at times!

But, perhaps more so because of those things, I do have an answer to that question........

Yes, life is hard, it is challenging, it doesn't always go the way you would like it to, people die, people leave and you find yourself changing in ways that you would never believe. BUT despite all of that life gives you this - it gives you great fantastic moments, children are born, people are loved, there is beauty in this world, compassion, kindness.

The feeling that you get from these moments, the joy, the pleasure, the heart-warming gives you so very much that you battle through the tough times because life IS worth it.

And that is why I'm trying to change my life and I encourage my daughters to do the same, to bring more compassion and kindness into it, more positivity and light. To bring kindness and compassion to others.

After a hard day in the office and a crappy cold wait for a late train in the snow one Friday this winter I got talking to a woman on the train who had a long walk home in the snow and had forgotten her hat and gloves, when we got to our destination I gave that stranger a lift home. She was incredibly grateful - but I feel I got the better deal, meeting her, talking to her, knowing that I'd helped make her evening better made me forget the crappy day!

So here I am advocating the idea of doing one kind thing everyday - because it does make a difference to us all. I'm advocating that we don't linger too much on the troublesome minutiae because the bigger picture is always better.

And here I am praying that the nice computer man will be able to retrieve the data, because God knows I would do almost anything to put that wrong right.........