Wouldn't it be good.......

At the end of a topsy turvey week the need to blog is upon me again, and this time the subject line comes from a friend who took me back to my teenage years at the start of the week with a reminder of Nik Kershaw's song from the 80s - Wouldn't it be good.

For those of you who are far too young to remember Nik Kershaw and even the 80s let me pull out some of the poignant lines for me:

"It's getting harder just keeping life and soul together, I'm sick of fighting even though I know I should.......
Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes even if it's just for one day
Wouldn't it be good if we could wish ourselves away
Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care......."

So, as you can see, this is going to be a happy blog post!!

I guess for me it reminds me that life is a struggle at times, and I guess that even the younger ones of you reading this will already have worked that bit out or seen glimpses of it. That's one of the many joys, or not, of growing up.

In the 80s when I first heard this song it didn't resonate nearly much as it does now, I had no idea of the struggles to come, I had no idea of how hard it would be at times just to keep life and soul together and I certainly hadn't felt sick of fighting.......

Well now, at the ripe old age of 45 I can certainly say that I've experienced struggles a plenty. But here's the thing.......I've had moments of being sick of fighting, and moments when I've questioned what the hell this is all about - I don't imagine there are many of you out there who haven't at times felt the same way. But, despite the struggles, the fights, I'm still very, incredibly, bloody glad to still be here........whingeing, blogging, struggling on........

In the middle of this work-challenging week someone asked me if I was going to apply for my boss' job as Director and seemed genuinely shocked when I said no, absolutely not. And that has been my stance from day one of knowing that she would be leaving, absolutely not.......

Now, for someone who has sometimes been accussed of being a workaholic and far too focussed on work it may seem strange that I'm really not interested in persuing my career even further when the opportunity has arisen.

But, I'm not, and I guess that it's because I no longer feel the need to push myself, prove myself, act like someone who isn't dying of leukaemia.......

It's not that I've managed to find peace yet, or learnt to be truly happy with my life, though I do think I'm on the right track. But it is an acceptance that perhaps I've buried my head in my committment to my work enough, that perhaps it's time to stop avoiding the real issues in life by being a workaholic.

Perhaps I'm aiming for the line in Nik Kershaw's song: "Wouldn't it be good if we could live without a care....."

The person I was when I left school, when I got married at 20, is not the person that I am now. All I wanted then was to be married, have children, live in a house with roses around the door and, I guess, live without a care........ but life didn't deliver that surprisingly, and through that I have changed.

But, as a woman who after 15 years of divorce finally gave her wedding dress away this weekend, perhaps inside I haven't really changed or moved that far from the person I was then.

Perhaps, to find peace and be happy (or at least happier), I need to get back in touch with the person that I was. I surprised my oldest daughter this week when I told her that when I move I intend to make all my own curtains.......but that is the person that I used to be. It's those simple creative tasks that I love, that help me feel like me, that give me pleasure.

I want to create a home that has soul, I want to create a haven that my daughters can return to when life's struggles begin to touch them, I want a home where friends can drop in and just be....

I guess, what I really want, is a life less complicated..........and, naievly or not, I'm still hoping for some roses around the door........

Committment phobe?...........or just a woman determined to get it right?

I don't know about you, but some of the more interesting and revealling conversations my family have are usually conducted in the car, driving to or from somewhere....

Some have shocked me (thanks girls for that, I am driving you know!!) but largely I have surprised my daughters. One such conversation took place yesterday, on the way back from indulging in chips in Wells (a favourite past time).

It had never occurred to me that my daughters see me as a committment-phobe, in fact more than that, they see me as a woman who actively never wanted to be married again. It's amazing sometimes the difference between how you perceive yourself and how others see you.

As I was merrily driving along I told the girls that I had always thought I'd be remarried, that when I separated from their Dad, not only did I think I would remarry, but I also thought that there was a possibility I would have another child....

To say that they were surprised is an understatement, to find that they were surprised was a revelation to me!

So.....it got me to thinking, am I, at heart, a committment-phobe? It's not the first time that label has been thrown at me. Perhaps I am, perhaps it is me that is deluded?!

If I examine the facts (divorced almost 15 years, only lived with one man since and that only lasted two years) then I guess I can start to see what they mean.

But at the same time, I see, a very different me. I may not have found someone I can live with for any length of time, I may have gone through a journey that doesn't necessarily have an end yet, but I still don't think that makes me a committment-phobe.

In fact, if I examine the person I am inside then I know that there are people who have been incredibly dear to me that I will always feel a committment to....... But, and here's the thing, I can love, and I can love well, I can love people for who they are, even though I know that who they are is not necessarily right for me, that our unique combination would be a recipe for disaster!

I see myself as a woman capable of great, deep and lasting love. There are many of you out there who I love, both friends and lovers, who have earnt my love and respect in many different ways and you are the ones that in my own way I will always be committed to.

But, I've made mistakes, and they hurt, not just me but the people I share my life with.

What I believe is that one day, maybe when I'm 70, who knows? One day, I won't be a committment-phobe any longer, I will be a woman, who finally got it right...............

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned!!

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned! It has been almost a month since my last blog post.......

Now, as this is my therapy, you might think that this is  good thing - that perhaps life is all good and there is no need for me to blog, but as I've written before, sometimes I find it hard to say what needs to be said.

History has also taught me that I internalise my stresses - I'm told this is not a good thing! So, the saying is that Silence is Golden.....for this bird that is not always the case!

Now, don't get me wrong, on the whole life is moving in the direction I would like it to, moving house, cutting out some of the commute, daughters living their lives well..... But with all these life stages, there's a bit of pain to go through to get there.

So currently, I am excited about the move and going to view the new house for the second time today (can't wait, know I will love it even more). Looking forward to my first daughter graduating Uni this Summer and my youngest smashing her A Levels.

But, the minutiae day to day detail is that moving house is stressful, anything to do with money is stressful!! Will I get the mortgage offer ok, will the survey be fine, will my solicitor get everything sorted on time......

The minutiae detail that is keeping me awake tonight (yes this is a very early morning post) is that ALL the A Level coursework is saved on a harddrive which underwent a slight accident yesterday and is no longer working...... we are waiting for the computer repair shop to open and hopefully tell us that they can retrieve all the data that is due to be handed in on Tuesday.......the stress the teenager is currently feeling is enormous, but darling, I'm right there with you.

Middle daughter has also been texting in the night not feeling well, parenting doesn't stop when they leave home.....it simply becomes more virtual.

When you have children it is the greatest, most incredibly gift - but you ride every wave of their lives with them, you feel every inch of pain alongside them, and you would give any limb on your body to make their lives easier at times. If anyone tries to tell you that being a parent isn't stressful, then they are lying, it is! 

Doing it alone is not the easy option, though it does make for less arguements about how to bring your children up, but sometimes, just sometimes, having someone else to share the joys and the troubles with would be nice.

One of the harder times can be as they start to grow up and the reality of lifes difficulties hits them - at some point in all of their lives now they have each asked me what the point of life is when it's so hard?!

Well, to be completely honest, for someone who has been through an incredibly difficult divorce, lost her mother at the tender age of 50, dealt with more cancer than is fair and having a chronic illness that cannot be cured................. that can be a challenging question to answer at times!

But, perhaps more so because of those things, I do have an answer to that question........

Yes, life is hard, it is challenging, it doesn't always go the way you would like it to, people die, people leave and you find yourself changing in ways that you would never believe. BUT despite all of that life gives you this - it gives you great fantastic moments, children are born, people are loved, there is beauty in this world, compassion, kindness.

The feeling that you get from these moments, the joy, the pleasure, the heart-warming gives you so very much that you battle through the tough times because life IS worth it.

And that is why I'm trying to change my life and I encourage my daughters to do the same, to bring more compassion and kindness into it, more positivity and light. To bring kindness and compassion to others.

After a hard day in the office and a crappy cold wait for a late train in the snow one Friday this winter I got talking to a woman on the train who had a long walk home in the snow and had forgotten her hat and gloves, when we got to our destination I gave that stranger a lift home. She was incredibly grateful - but I feel I got the better deal, meeting her, talking to her, knowing that I'd helped make her evening better made me forget the crappy day!

So here I am advocating the idea of doing one kind thing everyday - because it does make a difference to us all. I'm advocating that we don't linger too much on the troublesome minutiae because the bigger picture is always better.

And here I am praying that the nice computer man will be able to retrieve the data, because God knows I would do almost anything to put that wrong right.........

Turning Chapters

There comes a point in life when you realise that it's about Chapters, that the path you were taking and thought would always be there - isn't your path anymore.

I'm on the cusp of a new Chapter in my life - I'm moving into a City, something I never thought I'd do, moving closer to people I know and care about and am privileged to call friends. One thing I've learnt in life is that friends, both old and new, are incredibly important to us human beings.

This Chapter is also about downsizing, simplifying, taking some of the pressure off, gently releasing my foot from the pedal and learning to enjoy life more.  Having a leukaemia diagnosis made me put my life into turbo charge - I felt the need to cram so much into so little time, and I did.

Eleven years on I'm a fully fledged workaholic with a Blackberry glued to my hand and I've lost the ability to just be for any real length of time. This week the Blackberry has been switched off since Monday - and I thought I was doing so well, until my daughter pointed out I was approaching this house sale in a work-like manner!!!

So, I'm excited about this future, looking forward to the change, it's something I thrive upon. But you can't start a new Chapter without reflecting, without a tinge of regret, for what has gone before.

It's only right that we start each Chapter with renewed enthusiasm and excitement and anticipation - it's sad when that time in your life has drawn to a close, it's only fitting that we spend some time mourning it's passing. But only some time.....

It's good to reflect, it's good to feel some regret. But it's not good to dwell, or labour on something - the past, is, quite rightly, just that. I do enough navel gazing.

So, fine city, this former country girl is gonna take you on. Here's hoping you're ready for me!

Karma

I'm a great believer in Karma - I recently found a quote: "What people do to you is their Karma, what you do to them is yours." I believe that is so true.

I haven't always believed in it though, of course when younger and a so-called friend wrongs you, you want to hit out back at them. Or there's been many an ex-lover who's very unloving antics I've wanted to seek revenge for - and perhaps a few I have......

But the thing I've learnt over time is that if you're busy seeking revenge it can take over your life, like an obsession, and yet really, try as hard as you might you can't control other people and their lives and their feelings so in the end you never really achieve revenge.

You are so busy trying to right the wrong that someone has caused you that you fail to look at the real problem and deal with that. The bit inside of you that allowed someone to treat you like that, a lack of self-confidence or self-worth.

There are few really confident people in this world and I don't know anyone who is really happy with everything about themselves. We live in a society that is judgemental, that worries about status, appearance, money, where we sit in the hierarchy.

But I am lucky to know some people who have taken the time in their life to know themselves better, and through that to know others too. Whilst they are not perfect, what they have is the ability to love themselves despite that - to accept their imperfections as the character traits that they are.

What these people also have is something amazing, they have peace. I've been lucky enough in my life to meet Archbishop Desmond Tutu, to seriously meet him and spend some time with him, talking to him, observing him with others.

Without a doubt that time, that man, has had a lasting impression on my life, he truly is a man living with peace, compassion, caring, self-less. After a long day celebrating Hull's 700th anniversary, he looked at me, a 32 year old press officer and said - Lorraine, you look tired.......without a thought for himself and the fact that he had been diagnosed with cancer at the time - it's a moment I will never forget.

These people don't tie themselves up in knots seeking and extracting revenge, nor do they hide from people who may hurt them.

So that's how I wish to live my life now, each new person I meet, I trust, if they feel the need to hurt me then so be it, that is for their conscience to live with, not mine.

If people I know and care about wrong me, then I brush myself down and get on with life and perhaps, if needed, spend some time reflecting on what it was within me that allowed them to do that. But as I get older, I find it easier to walk away from those that hurt me, rather than feed my inner insecurity and stay there for more.

So I don't worry about revenge and hurting someone as much as they have hurt me, instead I believe in Karma........

Manipulation.....

Manipulation, manipulative people, it's a trait that all of us humans are capable of, and at least some point in our lives we nearly all display.

But I think manipulation comes from inner weakness, manipulative people tend to be those who really haven't sorted out who they are inside. Who feel insecure, weak, who are trying hard to be someone they think they should be rather than learning to love who they are.

I've been manipulated, I've had my heart strings tugged by manipulative people. And I don't doubt for a minute that I've manipulated others myself - we are none of us perfect.

But, peace, happiness, love, they don't come out of maniupulation - only rollercoasters and heartbreak are the results of that trait.

So, I'm learning to let go of the manipulators and to make a conscious choice not to be manipulative myself - it comes through growing and learning as we live this life..........
It comes with age, and lots, yes lots of experience ;-)

Life is scary, childhood doesn't prepare you for that, but you can't spend life hiding behind someone else's petticoats. You gotta grab it by the balls and live it.....no matter how much that can hurt at times.

Manipulation pulls at your heartstrings, but I still believe in  a love that doesn't need to do that - a love that will cherish those heartstrings for the precious things that they are.

So I banish manipulation from my life, I learn how to live and laugh and I hope one day I will learn how to love........

Finding direction

Ah! Finding direction, if only I knew how to do that?!

As a Sagittarian (yes I do believe in that mumbo jumbo) I know that I have the trait that makes me change direction frequently, never really settle in one place, somewhat unreliable, a bit skittish, difficult to pin down.

But I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing, it means that I don't compromise, I won't settle for second best and that I continually strive for something more. It's not the way of everyone, that I know, but it's always been right for me.

But in recent years, external forces, changes that I have no influence over, they have left me feeling directionless and, even worse for a woman like me, .......like I have no control. In these uncertain times, I'm far from the only one feeling like this, not knowing what the next week holds, let alone the future.

I know that finding direction will help - but suddenly it seems like there are so many directions out there I really don't know which one to take.

Suddenly (maybe it's the impending empty nest) there's such a great big wide world in sight and I want to grab it by the balls and go discover it. But, and here's another Sagittarian trait, at the same time, there's a massive part of me that just wants peace, to settle with a simpler lifestyle and just be....

I kind of know that if I'm ever going to discover my world, then that time is coming and that if I miss that opportunity, then the timing will probably never be right to take it again.

But, and perhaps as an offshoot of the leukaemia, I also crave the normal. In a time when I'm thinking about giving it all up and taking flight, I'm also actively growing more roots, settling into a life in a place that I'd never considered to be permanent, and I like that thought.

Maybe the right answer for me is a combination of both, discovery and normal.

So how in this world of no direction can I find the right path to take?

Well, I've decided to refer to an earlier post, and go with the flow............

I figure, that if I keep all options open and explore what may be then I won't need to find direction......it will find me.